


Congratulations, I love you.

by ambrosiaplease



Series: Guilt Trip [1]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Mild Gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 01:58:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7386220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambrosiaplease/pseuds/ambrosiaplease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo's hobby was to write poems for Baekhyun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Congratulations, I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to write a short angst for the very first time. *pats self in the back*  
> I am so emo.
> 
> Please mind the tags above. This fic can be triggering.

There must be a reason Baekhyun befriended him.

 

He pities him.  
_I even pity myself. What else to lose?_

He sincerely cares about him.  
_I keep my hopes up in silence. This could be a lie, a false hope._

 

No matter the real reason, Kyungsoo is sure about one thing. When Baekhyun leaves, he will be shattered into pieces.

 

***

  
A tranquil room that once had a pure white walls, neat and organized table beside a single bed became a stark desolate wasteland. The empty room is now filled with unspoken thoughts, memories of the person who used to stay here as Baekhyun roamed inside the room. He was stunned after seeing the several poems written on the walls. His hands are starting to become cold and sweaty when he walks closer to the wall. He even hears the beating of his heart loudly as his eyes squints on the messy handwriting on the wall. 

 

 _Being with you was the only cure that I had_  
_You were there when I was close to fade away_  
_Until when will I wait?_  
_No one can understand me, except you_

  
Blood, it was written with blood. He could not take his eyes away from the wall. The writings were all in dried crimson to brownish hue, the color of blood when it dries and it looked like the one who did these was in excruciating pain because of the rugged and shaky strokes of each letters. Baekhyun can't believe what he is seeing right now.

* _Make it stop,_

_make this pounding in my head stop_

  
_Fill my lungs with air,_

_I understand right?_

  
_That he's not coming back_

He wants to run away from this place but his whole body feels so heavy, paralyzed. Baekhyun needs to see these. He should see all of these.

  
_Before you came into my life_  
_All I wanted was to vanish_  
_Everything was falling apart_  
_Knowing you made the blade under my pillow unused_  
_Having your presence stopped my eagerness to die  
_You were my last string of hope to keep me whole  
_Untied me from my misery  
_Nothing was left, even you__  
__

  
Sweat poured down his body as he stayed still looking at the bloody poems on the wall. Baekhyun tried not to breath but he knew it was impossible when he figured out to whom all the poems were written for. 

  
* _Take everything away from me,  
Silent angel_

 

_the sharpness of the blade whispers blood at my very core  
As I cling to my memories of you_

 

He slowly feels the cold tears streaming down on his face. His life being an intern flashed before his eyes. His first day on his internship, his newly gained friends, including the owner of this room. He remembers those times when he visits Kyungsoo. The latter was always sitting on his chair writing something. After their conversations, Baekhyun always had a folded paper in his pocket courtesy of Kyungsoo, when he secretly put it without Baekhyun knowing.

 

 _Your voice, my favorite confection_  
_so sweet_  
_Your voice, wakes me up_  
_good morning_

 _Your smile, the brightest_  
_so bedazzled_  
_Your smile, gives me energy_  
_I'm electrified._

  
His nails started digging into his pale skin but he didn't care. His teeth still chattering in guilt, disappointment. _This was all his fault._  He walks to the abandoned desk that started to be devoured by rusts. There are several crumpled papers on it. This was the owner's favorite spot whenever Baekhyun visited him. Baekhyun saw the initials that is still engraved in the lower left side of the desk. **D.K.S**. He feels a sudden pang in his heart. 

"Kyungsoo-ya" 

He whispers as he touches the engraved initials. He opened all the crumpled papers on the top of the desk, one by one.

  
_*Were the last words that I wrote for you, enough to tell you_  
_That in my death, the light that shone through my painful darkness_  
_Was a blinding vision of your eternal smile?_

  
_*If my words even reach you, I'll assume you don't care_  
_Never knew that silence could cut so deep or that you could twist the blade_  
_Now I curse all of your beautiful lies..._  
_~~I love you and goodbye..~~_

  
  
~~_Byun Baekhyun_ ~~

~~_Baekhyun_ ~~

~~_Baekhyunie_ ~~

~~_Baekhyun..... **don't leave me**_ ~~

  
~~_~~_I wanted love  
but apathy was given_ ~~ _ ~~

  
~~_Are you happy? You better be  
without me..._ ~~

  
Baekhyun's face dropped in remorse after reading the crumpled papers. His energy to stand still was fully drained. He unconsciously sat down on the chair. All the sweet smile, deep voice, and childish pout, the giggles every time he slipped the paper secretly, little did he know that Baekyun knew it from the start. These moments flashed on his mind again. He was pretending to be clueless so that he can see Kyungsoo's cheeky smile that time. 

  
He can no longer control the tears to flow down. He is silently loathing his self, degrading his whole being into different levels as he stares at the crumpled papers that are now folded properly. 

  
There were loud thuds when Baekhyun bumped his forehead on the desk several times. He is now numb to feel any pain from the impact of the slamming. He stopped when the drawer under the desk was slightly opened. Baekhyun checked what's inside the drawer and saw an unsealed white envelope with his full name on it. He heaves before opening the letter.

  
Byun Baekhyun

  
_Dear Baekhyunie,_

_* ~~I hope when you are reading this you will still find it well as these endless thoughts drip from my soul~~_

  
_I've been waiting for a year now to hear your quirky knocks outside my door. I miss ~~you~~  it. The 1 knock 2 knocks 3 knocks pattern, when will I hear it again? I remember I was admitted here because I was what? suicidal? or some people thought I am a psycho or what not. Well, whatever you call it. This place was ~~is~~ so horrible ~~until now~~. I hate staying here because I feel like I am going crazy. But I also remember the first time you walk into my room. You were so bright. I thought that would make me blind. Your frequent visits ignite my hopes to be myself again. You became my very first friend, best friend. You treated me like I was a real friend and I appreciate that._

_Life has always been unfair to me. I'm not saying that it should be fair because that is plain stupid. But I want you to know that even I have no idea where you are right now, I hope you are happy. I also hope to see you smiling at me again because you are my only friend. I just hope that one day, things will work out for me too._

_You know what, Baekhyunie? I know there's a part of you that pitied me. I can see it in your eyes sometimes. At first, I don't want someone to pity me because I've been doing that all my life. It's like a part of my routine. But I realized that pity was the only thing that you can give me. ~~But it looks like even your pity can't stand my existence.~~_

_You taught me how to live again, You helped me find my lost dreams and revive my dead hopes. * ~~But You took them all too. I watched you steal them and had to see you smile.~~ You made me understand so many things in life. ~~Like how I loathe myself for making you the only star in my sky, leaving my eyes to marvel on you thinking that you should be mine.~~ I miss you so much  ~~to the point that my heart constricts every minute waiting its time to explode.~~  Every night I dream of you. Your bright smile was the only cure to my tortured soul. Every morning I am forcing myself to wake up hoping that you'll come back. You don't want me to be cured. Do you? _

_Can you tell me if you will visit me again? Can you visit me for the last time? I don't know what's happening with me but these past few months without you, I'm starting to feel the frigid air that leaves me breathless. I am having a hard time breathing because of the pain I'm feeling in my heart. I have no idea why am I like this. ~~It scares me. It scares me that you'll leave me.~~  Agony is filling my lungs as I try to scream your name on the window hoping that you would hear me. I thought I am whole again but I was wrong. I'm broken by your silence. You did really left me. _

_I remember I promised not cut myself again. You said that all I need to do when I get depressed was to call you so that you can hold my hand tightly. But where are you? Maybe this blade has won by default as my only friend then. Sorry for breaking my promise Baekhyun. But my hands are shaking terribly, aching to touch the blade and slowly cut my wrist to know if the pain didn't fully numb my whole being. I never thought that too much pain will make you numb or more like a living dead._

  
_Enough of this, maybe you're getting bored. Maybe the reason you're not here anymore is that you're bored._

  
_If ever you see this letter, and if ever you've reached this part, all I want to say is thank you so much. You made me live a little longer than I expected. You helped me prolong my life, made me experience what real happiness was. Thank you for teaching me how to love myself for a short period of time._

_Thank you for letting me love you and this is for the rest of my life maybe until I die. I might hate myself again but one thing is for sure, I may get tired and stop from living but I will never stop loving you._

_I'm tired, Baekhyun. Sorry for giving up. I want to wait a little longer to see you smile and hear your voice that I really like the most for the last time but I'm already tired._

  
_To my first and last love, goodbye._

  
_Do Kyungsoo_

 

Baekhyun almost had a mental breakdown. He tried to regain his stance but he collapses on the wooden floor, swollen with raging emotions that attacks him deeply. His knuckle is still close, holding the letter that was crumpled easily.

 

***

  
A year ago

Baekhyun was being called in the middle of his duty by the head nurse of Goyang Mental Hospital. It was so sudden, he didn't have any idea why. He was still clueless when he entered the head nurse's office. The head nurse named Joonmyeon, asked him to sit down for a while. He handed the brown enveloped to Baekhyun without saying anything. The latter shows his confusion so the nurse told him to just open it.

  
Completion of Internship Form 

  
Baekhyun was shocked. He was only on his fourth month as an intern in this hospital. He still has two months before he completes the number of hours needed.

  
"Sir, I still have two-" Baekhyun tried to reason out but the head nurse cut him.

  
"I know that Baekhyun. Your internship here in GMH is over so you have to apply for another hospital now. You can be deployed to Incheon Mental Institute once I endorsed you." Jonnmyeon explained. Baekhyun frowns because he can't understand what is hapenning. The head nurse noticed that the confusion on Baekhyun's face is still there then he cleared his throat.

  
"Doctor Park observed that our patient Do Kyungsoo started to be more and more dependent on you, Baaekhyun. And according to him, this will not help the patient. They had an emergency meeting yesterday regarding about this and the only solution to not make things worst is to deploy you to another hospital so that you can still continue your internship."  Joonmyeon explained bluntly. Baekhyun can't think of anything to say. Yes, it's true that he already established a connection with Kyungsoo and he thinks that Kyungsoo is trying his best to be better. He wanted to be with him and witness the moment Kyungsoo will be discharged.

"Being a nurse, you should know that. Never establish a deep connection with a patient. Worst comes to worst, the patient will always be on the losing side on this kind of game so be professional. If you want what's the best for Do Kyungsoo, then you will do the right thing." Joonmyeon reminded him the truth that he forgot on the very first day he laid his eyes on his first patient.

 

 

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> *Lyrics of some Alesana songs that I like


End file.
